I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
