They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
