I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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