More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
