Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
