he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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