My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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