i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
