I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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