somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
