smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
