so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
