if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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