i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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