he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
