My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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