Pants 0. Shit 1.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
