why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
