I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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