Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I AM VODKA MAN
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
