There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
