i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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