i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
