Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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