I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
