i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
