U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
