You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
