Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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