I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
