worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
