shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
