I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
two words: eviction party
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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