Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
