So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize