Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
