A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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