Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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