tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
