seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize