you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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