He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
