im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
