He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize