apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
