Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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