Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
