i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think people are normalizing furries
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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