would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
