i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
