I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize