I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
