It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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