Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
