I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
