Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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