What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Soap is not a condiment
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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