there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize