I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
