i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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