If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
