im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
